What do I say, and what do I tell you? I know much hides in the darkest parts of the dark in your soul. You have seen so much and been through so many different things I cannot comprehend. Still, we all have unspeakable horrific secrets. I may not have a cemetery of them like you, but the one I do have is a terrible twisted one and so hard to explain.
I think you would understand deep down if I told you. I mean, with all you have been through, seen, done, and what must have happened to you? I know you would get it to a point, that is. You do not judge that I know. You have a past, so you do not judge others by theirs.
With that said, though, I think you would also react. That is what scares me. You would take him apart piece by piece, and what would you then think of me? Would you put me in with your thoughts of dark, horrible things? I do not want you to see or think of me that way.
He is who he is and that will not change. That is why I cannot stop him. This has been going on for, well, way too long. The first time was by mistake. I know this in my heart, but it was on purpose, each and every time after that.
That is a side and secret I do not want to have affected us. I see something so different in you than what you see, or others do about yourself. I do wonder, though? Is what I see now, the Gunner I know and am attracted to real Gunner or just a current version because of recently what has happened to you? Is what I see now only a part of what you are hiding in the darkest parts of the dark dwelling in you?
Dad still told us many things about you. I know you did not go into specifics in answers, but you have not denied them either. What makes you that person? I mean, your past breeds hate, distrust, and destruction in you, but my secret breed’s shame and disgust. Still, why do I let it go on then? Is there something wrong with me for not doing more?
Some secrets should just be locked away, but you know that. After all, you keep everything locked away to fuel your anger, strength, and hatred. You do it, so you have something to hate when you walk away from something, or you self-destruct something.
You use it to destroy whatever stands in your path as well, but it also forces you to distrust life when you do not always have to. It makes you keep everyone at arm’s length in the end, and you force yourself to stand alone.
I fear you may do that to me. Will you or will you be able to swallow it down and make it disappear from your mind? Your mind, though, holds on to everything, though, well, at least what has not been taken from it by damage. It will always be leering in the shadows of your mind when you look at me, touch me, or hold me.
I cannot tell you, my secret Gunner, I am sorry. I fear then I will know the Gunner everyone else knows and not the one I know now. Will this darkness be our undoing, causing us to make a choice? I do not want ever to know.
I only want to know you, the you I know now. The side of you that you are trying to put to rest. I know, though, it is in you.
I know you are a good one to me, that is. That’s all that matters. Still, I know my past, my walls, and my insecurities will cause my words to hurt you more profoundly than I may even realize. Will you be able to handle that?
