Oh, Gunner, should I talk to you about what I am thinking or not? You are my oldest friend, but I see you changing right in front of me. It is a double-edged sword I know in my actions both for you and me. I know I am giving you time to try to sort things out, but unlike the rest of the world, I know that time to you is an enemy as it warps your perception of reality. Time lets you think about what is not there but in your mind, it is while missing the big picture. That my friend is what this is about, the big picture. I do not need you being conflicted but what option do I have? You are the only person I have ever known that does not relish time as it conflicts with your thoughts. Instead, you need your reactions and feelings because that is what is true in you. What line will you draw if you know everything?
What line will you draw in the sand when you realize the big picture after I give you time to think? You are a man of undefined loyalty that is without question. I know you will not go back on your word no matter what you feel or agree with as time goes. Even if you do not agree with something, you will still honor your promise. Hu, heck, the only time I have ever even known you to break a promise, and those are extremely few over the past 24 years, is when it was to save someone else heartache for their good. I have seen you push people away to save them from you so that they will give up on you.
This is different, though. This plan is bigger now than what you envisioned. I know you walk this path to control the damage so you can direct it, to keep it away from those you care for. This time my friend, you will not be able to do this. It is too big for me not to go after and make it happen. This will make you choose. The question is, what line will you draw, and where will you stand once you do?
What a hidden heart you do actually have. With that said though at the same time deep down I truly do fear what you are capable of. That heart of yours beats in love and anger for this life. In a blink of the eye, you have an outburst of emotions that’s jumps from your soul and then within seconds, you grab it by the throat and push it down like it never happened. So under control, calculated, passionate you are but yet so out of control you are too.
Some have said in whispers you are like a pet dog that you have had for years. A loyal, loving companion that will do anything for you, even give its life to save you, but it gets bit by another animal with rabies, so it spreads to the dog. Then the dog goes mad itself. You know you have to put it down, but you can’t. You love it. This is what I fear, Gunner, with you. Once you realize the big plan, you will be like that dog. What do I do? Can I protect you? Can I just get you out of here before the domino effect happens? What line will you draw not only with this but within yourself? What will you crawl out of the darkness? That is what I fear. It will be someone none of us know, including you.
Time to you is the enemy. You are a man that lives on your emotions and reacts to them. That is the true you. When you say something or act on it in the passion of that second, it is the real you— which is not conflicted by the world despite the emotions. Haunted, influenced, and scared, yes, by your past, but your emotions are true. What you feel is true. What you say and do in that instant is pure but given time to think, process, and reason. That is your biggest demon because even then, you will choose the worst-case option that will only end up in pain. You see it with your eyes wide open, but still, you walk right into it. With time you analyze, pick apart every scenario possible, imagine things that are not there, feel things that do not exist only to self-destruct on something. What will your self-destruction lead to in this case?
That leads us to the problem. Others see this in you. They see you taking time, processing, calculating probabilities, and see you changing. They see you drawing back and, in a sense putting up the walls, but this is to protect yourself for what will come. Metaphorically, they see you with your finger on the red button, waiting to push it, to blow everything up in front of you because you can, so that you can stand alone within yourself because that’s where you are safe within yourself. The problem is they all fear what you are going to implode on. Many fear it will be us. Will you turn on all of us?
I know you will not deep down, but still, there is a question in my mind. Is this going too far for even you and the strange sense of morals you have? What line will you draw, my friend? Will someone have to put you down? If so, who will it be? Can I help you, can I? Can I help give you the piece in the conflicted mind of yours? You are so loyal. Loyal to a fault because every word of the ones you actually listen to is amplified a million times in your head. That’s why you cannot actually hear and see what is indeed coming, pain on so many levels. What can I do? What to do, my friend? How do I give you a piece with all of this coming our way?
