Awww SHIT! As I sit here in the dark thinking of what has happened? What is going on? I try to make sense of my own thoughts within my conflicted mind. They are flooded with anger, rage, guilt, filth, abandonment, and disgust of the paths I have walked through what seems many different lifetimes in one soul. How many times must I walk through hell? Such highs and lows in seconds and minutes. I go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde and then someone in between all within a blink of an eye. I need to get myself under control.
As the puzzle pieces come together, I see deceit and betrayal. I ask, though, what is true betrayal? This is a conflicted question with a conflicted answer in my conflicted mind. Yes, others have done it; of course, they have. That is why I am in this spot, to begin with. It has caused pain and sorrow that forms the scars and actions of today. That is more evident now than ever as they make me put up walls of protection for tomorrow. That is not the truest betrayal, though.
The worse of any kind is when your own mind and emotions betray your soul and heart. Then cause harm and pain to the one you love for no real reason by not being able to handle my own crap in my head or my past. I try, but I cannot slam on the breaks in myself. I watch the train wreck coming and happen, the words leave my lips, my actions spill venom, and I just cannot stop it. This is why I kept people at a distance or found myself in a bottle or a fight. It was the only way I could control it from hurting the ones I care for and hide it. Now, someone is so close I can not hide it, and they see it right through my cracking armor. She sees the conflict mind in me but offers comfort even in the moments I lash out.
Why do my own mind and memories haunt me so and cause me to contradict my own thoughts? I know what is in front of me, right here, right now, yet I still try to self-destruct. My thoughts ramble on and on. This is so tiresome. I need a drink! What the hell am I thinking? Do not go down this rabbit hole; slam on that break at least once. It angers me even to have that thought.
As I try to heal and figure out the ways to put these things to rest once and for all, I find myself in more conflict at times with my thoughts and feelings as the universe mocks me. Many steps forward to take one huge crushing step backward, all because of emotions. I have tried to keep others safe and protect them from this world, but maybe it’s not the world I should protect them from. Perhaps, just perhaps, it is me I should protect them from.
I have lived as a chameleon for years. So much at times, I do not know who I really am. I change my colors and adapt to blend in. Well, to a point, that is. Still, I have always had to hide parts of me from everyone despite who has been present in my life. Until now, that is. I feel as a child realizing something or seeing something for the first time in utter amazement. Someone sees me, really sees all of me, with no judgment, no fear, but just the pureness of her heart.
I push all away to keep them at arm’s length as my demons talk whispers in my head as they are my friends trying to keep me from their enemies but not really mine. That is how they see love, friendship, loyalty, and they fear it. They are not friends, as I have now learned and realized. That only makes them talk more to me, though, as they reach further into the blacked-out memories for a weakness in my cracked armor within me to get in my good graces once again. They fear her because she whispers to me as well. The whispers that roll off her soft sweet lips are softer, more gentle, and give me a sense of peace but speak louder to me than anything ever has. How can a whisper speak so loud?
Oh, what the hell am I thinking in this conflicted mind of mine? Am I really having this conversation with myself? Maybe I do need a head shrinker to poke around in my brain? Heck, I already feel like I am in a therapy session now with myself poking around.
I want to ask her for help, but how can I ask when I do not know what the help I need is. When I do not understand the solution to the problem, it makes me claw at my soul from the inside out, as it makes me fall crumbling to my knees from within. The past says I cannot rely on others, but this is now, the present, and not then. I can count on her and them. They may not be my blood, but they are my family now. Through thick and thin, and forever we will stand together.
Why is all of this so different? These are things, feelings, and thoughts that are so foreign to the me of old. Yet, today’s me longs to keep walking forward, but I know I cannot do this alone. This is too big for me to handle, to keep my sanity, and make right by myself. Tomorrow’s war is coming, but we will be waiting for them, and we together are stronger this time. This makes me stronger now and forever coming. This is a different me with a different fire burning in me—this time for the right reasons.
